(3-27-2025)

Nostalgia is a form of escapism

Good Afternoon! I hope you are well. Recently, I Watched a video talking about internet aesthetics like dreamcore and weirdcore. Most of it was about the subject of nostalgia and how the internet fantasizes and romanticizes the feeling of it. Ironically, That was the whole point of this little website. I wanted to make a website where I could put my feelings and thoughts somewhere so that whenever i would stumble back upon it again I would feel a similar feeling. And it worked, only a tiny bit thought, even though the nostalgia lasted for very little time, I still felt the calm lonely night I was in while making this website for the first time. The only reason I chose today to come back and update this little Website again is because I wanted to escape from something.

New friends

Recently, I went on a school trip to NYC. On the trip, none of my main friends bought a ticket to NYC. So virtually I was alone and the only other people were my other orchestra classmates who I vaguely knew except for one girl. This pushed me out to socialize. But, Im innately am an introvert with not so many friends. The guy I was rooming with was friends with the very popular, high ranking, but friendly orchestra members. (They are really talented and have won a few awards, compared to me who has only gotten first chair and no awards, I was pretty Intimidated.) But thank god, these guys were just straight up silly and friendly. Throughout the trip, they kept complimenting me saying I was so nice and friendly. They also said I shouldnt be letting my friends push me around like they do back home. (for context, my friends keep making fat jokes at me. It bothers me a bit, but i let it slide because i dont want to hurt them or ruin their fun.) The people on this trip were so inclusive. They were so kind in a way ive never felt or heard before. Compared to my friends back home who were funny and great to hang out with. They were never as kind, serious, or ever complimented me. For the first time, in a long time, I felt like I was actually talking to real people. Compared to my friends back home. The friends I had before the trip were my only friends i ever had. But all we did was play videogames and hangout. We would have hangouts and stuff and talk about our experiences. But It never felt real. Nothing about our feelings. Just things that we've been through. But these people in my orchestra were so friendly and talked about their feelings about their experiences. As I saw them interact with eachother and as they interacted with me, I see the genuine kindness and teasing friendliness between eachother. Something my friends back home never do. All they did was make jokes that made fun of me, show me brainrot, and ask to play videogames. But with these new people, who I never chose the chance to talk to even though I see them almost every day at school, are just so nice. It makes me realise that socialising is fun. eventually we all exchanged instas and now we all have connections to eachother. But then there was a horrible feeling on the way home.

My Best Friend Prevented me from dying.

Before I left NYC, I met my Best Friend ever since 2019 online during when quarantine started. And meeting her felt like a surreal experience. Shes the only one that doesnt make fun of me in my little friendgroup back home. I couldnt accept the fact that she was standing in front of me, thats how unreal it was to me. When I went home she gave me news that she started talking to someone. I was happy for her but worried that she might take off and leave me. We call almost every day but there was a period in time where she left me without a word to hangout with her boyfriend for 7 months (this happened a year or two ago.) A few months ago I had a really bad state of mental health. At an all time low. I wasnt taking care of myself because of the stress of the world. My Grades were doing alright except for one class that was at a C-. My parents yelled at me and told me to get it back up. But I hated myself for not being smart enough and not perfect enough to get it back to above an A like all the other classes. Suicidal thoughts were not new to me, theyve been their for a while. But I never considered acting on them (thank god). At the time, I was thinking about it at least 2-3 times a day. I stopped waking up on time for school, skipping hair routines, meals and everything. And at somepoint, when my family left the house for something. I was alone, stressed out at my friends for making fun of me on a call. It pushed me over the edge. I was already stressed over the last few weeks so I hung up the phone as they were all laughing at me. I angrily paced my foyer in the house alone until I remembered about a spare cable that was used for jumpstarting car batteries in the garage. I went to take a look and held it in my hands. I already knew how to tie a noose from somewhere (I honestly dont remember where I learned to do this, all i know is that I regret it.) I tied it in the garage and hung it from the ceiling where the metal boards of the house were exposed because we never finished renovating the garage were. I stood there for a solid 20 minutes. Thinking to myself "I dont want to die, But I dont want to live either. I hate myself, and I want dont want to bother my friends or family anymore." I knew it was selfish thought and action to die in the garage of the family that kept and gave me shelter. and to die without telling the friends I grew up with, but at that moment I couldnt care about anything anymore. Until my bestfriend texted me. She texted me "Please come back their sorry.". That night, I didnt go on the rope (thank god). I Tore down the cable noose and just went upstairs. Later that night My bestfriend asked me "hii hru, are you okay?? they said they were sorry." And thats when I told her about my situation. It was hard for me because my family is in a financial struggle and we cant afford a therapist. I also never really opened up to anyone ever. This was the first time I ever did open up my feelings to someone. I told them I didnt want to live anymore and the stress of the world was built on top of me. And then they gave me a reason. They told me that she would be nothing without me. She would be devistated, sad, and alone as I was one of the 2 friends she has left after moving away from her home town. She said "what about me, what will you think I will feel when your gone." And I think that is what stopped me from being that person.

I was scared of losing my bestfriend

So when I came back, to my hometown, having all of these nice people be nice to me, meeting my best friend who has saved my life from across the country, and making friends with my superiors who I used to fear and envy. Im asked to hangout with all of my old friends. And they didnt even greet me with a welcome back, instead they greeted me with a fat joke and said "what did you expect?". Writing this whole page made me reflect and realize my friends are just insensitive assholes. Theyve said they dont mean what they say, and its all for fun, but sometimes it gets to me. After that, going home slightly upset, I text my bestfriend "hru" and she says she's been talking to someone new that she sees attractive and vice versa. They flirt and text eachother but the entire next day all I could think about was "is she going to leave me for that guy and dissapear for a long time?" I got scared and overwhelmingly sad at the thought that my bestfriend would stop talking to me. Already, I miss the people from NYC and that feeling I had talking to them even though I'll See them the next time I go to school (im on spring break). But it hit me more thinking that my bestfriend who Ive been with since forever ago, will leave and never come back. But then I asked about it to her. And to my insecure suprised mind, she said "OFC NOT BRUH (crying emoji)" This entire time, I was sad over nothing. But Im glad I asked the question than rather let that thought fester inside my mind.

I was scared of losing my bestfriend

As I said, I dont have a therapist. I dont really have anyone other than my bestfriend who I can really spew my feelings out at. And my other dipshit friends are good people, just a bit insensitive. They dont mean harm, just want to have fun. anyway, thats why I made this journal/stories/blog page, because I dont have anywhere else or anyone else to talk to. And when my stress of the world is pent up, and she isnt available. I journal or go to this website. My actual journal has more of my feelings in it. But I dont let anyone read that one. I feel Like This story of how someone saved me, meeting new people, and savoring the friendships of people you see everyday, is a story I think Someone should read. Maybe it could help them if they were going through anything similar that I was feeling. Sorry if This disturbed you :( I just needed to put these somewhere. Hope you have a wonderful day.

❤